Until one day, back in late June/early July when I had gotten into it with one of our guests at the hospitality center I worked at. I don't even remember how our scuffle started, all I really remember was this exchange of words:
"You think you're so awesome, because you're out here, all high and mighty and helping people."
"You know what, you're right. I am awesome. You're welcome."As soon as I finished that last sentence, I wish I could have taken it all back. I immediately ran inside to hide out in my old friend, the freight elevator, and cry. Did I really think I was super important and awesome for taking time out of my summer to come back here? Did my biggest fear just come to fruition? Had I entered the land of smug self-satisfaction, also known as complacency? Yes.
I hated who I had become. I felt gross. In that fight with the guest, I had lost all sense of humility. I spent the rest of my day, evening, and the next four days doing some serious self-reflection. I had thought about the word I chose as my "One Word" for the year, which was "choose." I wanted to be more cognizant of the choices I had and the decisions I made. At this point, I knew I had to choose between continuing on the road to becoming a complacent jerk or go back to being the former, extremely grateful version of myself.
I realized that over the course of my "awesome" experiences throughout my first three years of college, I had become too proud of myself....a trait that I absolutely hated. I realized that I never want to be complacent; I want to continue to remain intentional about every decision and radical in my approaches to every situation, challenge and opportunity that arose.
After my extremely, low, and shallow rock bottom I hit earlier in the summer, I began to attempt to make a conscious effort to challenge myself in every situation and not seek out recognition from others. At the close of summer, I felt like I had returned to the former version of myself, described earlier. The young woman who took on everything with excitement, who was always ready for a challenge, who realized she didn't get to where she is by herself, who didn't care if she was ever thanked by any of her superiors, who only cared about the people she worked alongside.
Even though I made it through my battle with complacency, it is still something I have to, and probably will always have to, deal with. When I feel myself slipping back into the land of ungratefulness and pride, I think of this verse:
1 Peter 5:5-6: "....clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time"
I hope to always remain vigilant in all that I do and never head back down the road to complacency.
