This post was originally written on Sunday...mulled it over for a few days before letting it go live.
If you know me, you most likely know that Easter is my favorite holiday. I'm not sure why, but there's something about the preparation to get to this day that makes it all the more special. This morning as the sun rose over the cemetery of the small, white church my family's attended since my childhood, I realized that I'll be spending next Easter in Arizona. This was the first Easter in a long time that I felt truly different and prepared to wholeheartedly celebrate the resurrection.
This year for Lent, I gave up doubt. Self-doubt, and doubt in general, have always paralyzed my decision making abilities for as long as I can remember. I would always second guess everything and go over and over again in my head if I was making the right choices or not. Growing up, I was told that God will take care of all of your doubts if you trust in him. I always "trusted" God, but never enough to let Him truly wash away all my insecurities about situations and take control. In the fall, I was getting ready to apply to grad school and begin a new relationship with a person I really cared about, I was slowly beginning to see that there were few things in my control. However, I still second guessed, scrutinized, and over-analyzed every decision I made and thing I said. This pattern continued well up until February when I had to make a decision about what to give up or add to my life for Lent. I prayed for a few weeks about what to do because I knew that come Easter morning I wanted to feel different. I made the decision to give up doubt because I wanted to trust more in the fact that I am not alone and that God already has everything all planned. I wanted to take more care to enjoy all of the blessings around me and the people in my life, instead of questioning if I'm doing or saying the right things.
For the past 40 days, I've made a conscious effort to keep myself in check and recognize the signs of falling back into old, doubtful patterns. I can't honestly say I didn't doubt myself over the entire season of Lent, but I did feel different as the sun rose over the horizon signifying the renewal of God's promise to us.
